After moving to Tottenham from MK Dons, Dele Alli immediately adapted to life in the Premier League.
Scoring double figure goals in his first two Spurs seasons and an average of ten assists across the first three, Alli was on fire under Pochettino and looked set to be a mainstay at the club for the next decade and beyond.
Intermittent injury problems slowed his progression but as one of the favourites to benefit from the Mourinho regime, things haven’t quite gone to plan. So is there still a lot left in the tank for Alli or is his stagnation set to continue?
Quick sidenote, this is the third edition in this series, and the most high-profile player so far, so I’d appreciate you checking out the previous versions too if you have a minute:
Jose Mourinho’s style is one of the most well known in football.
While he might be a little more expansive against smaller teams, tactically he is renowned for frustrating teams with compact defensive lines that sit closely together before countering with pacey, skilful wingers.
The formation is usually considered to be either a 4-2-3-1 or a 4-3-3 with Son off the left and Bergwijn playing on the right. Harry Kane is given licence to roam and often comes extremely deep to unleash his incredible passing game and either bring other players into the game, put wide men in behind or simply give the side some reprieve when under pressure.
Sissoko and Hojbjerg, who has been a revelation since joining this summer, screen the back four, in which Eric Dier and Serge Aurier are particularly benefitting when compared to previous seasons.
The position that many believed Dele would thrive within, is the third midfield position, which often plays closest to Kane. However, this role has been sealed by the ever-more-impressive Tanguy Ndombele and a rotating Giovanni Lo Celso with Alli struggling to play outside of the Europa League, having failed to play 90 minutes in the Premier League yet this season.
Key traits
What can Dele bring to the side if he is to feature though?
Well, according to Mourinho, “Dele is not a midfield player,” which is quite interesting.
Nor is he a number 9, a traditional 8, or even a classic 10. Instead he seems to be more of a shadow striker, or even a false 9; someone who works back into the midfield a little but is rarely the spearhead of an attack.
What he does very well, is find space and score goals, which he has effectively done in the past when playing behind Harry Kane. Almost like a Thomas Müller-lite, it would be fair to describe him as somewhat of a ‘space invader.’ Whilst yes, he contributes to attacking move, his main goal appears to be to enter small spaces on the pitch or create a new one for himself by quickly shuffling the ball past players, something that Dele excels at.
With 50 Premier League goals he’s scored more than Wilfried Zaha, Freddie Ljunberg and teammate Gareth Bale, amongst others. He also has 33 assists in his Premier League career, often drawing defenders into the space he has located before slipping a carefully timed pass to the teammate he’s just made room for.
Another benefit he has is his strength when carrying the ball. It can be challenging to steal the ball from him, especially when running alongside Alli as he uses his body very well to shield the ball. Aerially he’s effective too, being a real handful for defenders, even give his fairly sleight frame.
Reasonable comparisons
In this section, I’d usually do some quick statistical analysis of Dele against similar players, and I will do that, but first it feels best to compare Dele against himself, both during and post-Pochettino.
Across all competitions Alli managed an impressive goal contribution (either a goal or assist) every 137 minutes with Pochettino guiding him, whereas under Mourinho this has dropped to every 152 minutes. This isn’t awful but its also worth noting that from this season to last Dele’s xG per 90 has dropped from 0.38 to 0.30 and his xA per 90 has dropped from 0.17 to a pitiful 0.04.
Dele just isn’t getting the minutes and even when he does, he isn’t able to leave his mark on games as he did prior to the 2018/2019 season. Before this term his xG was as high as 0.43 per 90 and his xA per 90 a much stronger 0.27 at his peak.
A player worth comparing Dele with, is another ‘attacking midfielder,’ Kai Havertz. Similarly to Alli he blends the lines between forward and midfielder and pinpointing their exact (or best) role can be a difficulty.
Both have struggled this term but looking back at last season they had a similar number of goals per 90, at 0.39 for Dele and 0.44 for Havertz, the former however did have a higher xG per 90 at 0.38 compared to 0.37, meaning Havertz made more of his opportunities.
They take a similar amount of shots each at just over 2 per 90 but somewhere they start to differ is in their passing game. Havertz achieved an xA per 90 of 0.30 last season compared to Alli’s 0.17 and per 90 the German made 2.12 key passes per 90 compared with the Englishman’s 1.11.
So Alli and Havertz are close competitors when it comes to scoring, but Havertz is a better and more creative passer. What both have though, is something you can’t measure, that little bit of magic that can completely change a game.
The key problem for Alli however, is that these magic moments are growing lesser and lesser, and games can sometimes pass him by in similar fashion to that of former teammate Christian Eriksen, something that Mourinho will simply not allow for.
Mourinho’s style cannot afford any passengers and always requires the utmost concentration. So with Alli not being the best defensive player (unlike Lo Celso or Ndombele), nor being able to break a game as consistently as Kane or Son for example, there doesn’t appear to be an easy route back in to the starting XI for Dele. Plus, as mentioned earlier, Alli doesn’t exactly fit the traditional midfield roles you would come to expect, which makes it even harder for him to force a way in.
Then there’s the ever-looming issue of his injury history.
Still at just 24 years of age (if you can believe it, feels like he’s been around forever) Dele has missed 28 games in total for a number of different reasons. One of these is a hamstring injury, which has reared its head throughout his tenure. Having had these injuries so early in his career, there are some question marks over his body’s ability to keep up with the ever-growing intensity required for modern football systems.
Conclusion/What’s next
Of all of the players I have covered so far, I would say Dele has the highest ceiling, but is the furthest from his at present. He’s a player who, on his day, can be destructive and change the game in a split second but as his game time decreases, so does his ability to do this.
What he has to do then, is secure first team football and his best route to such surely lies away from Tottenham.
PSG seems the ideal destination. Under Pochettino he’ll be working alongside a manager whom he has excelled with previously and he won’t be expected to do as much defensive work, freeing him up to invade those important pockets of space at will.
Should he get back to his best, or very close to it, Dele could find that his star begins to rise again, and a return to the England set up for this summer’s Euros wouldn’t be entirely out of question. So no, Dele isn’t on the rise right now, but keep your eyes peeled for his next move, as it could be a make or break scenario for him.
When he broke onto the scene with Basel in his native Switzerland, Embolo was revered as one of Europe’s hottest prospects.
Having in the Champion’s League and with three consecutive Swiss League titles under his belt, it was easy to see why. Wolfsburg came knocking before Schalke secured his signature with their highest ever fee, but things haven’t been plain sailing for Embolo since.
Now at Borussia Mönchengladbach, has he lived up to the hype?
Mönchengladbach’s style
Mönchengladbach, under Marco Rose, play a high tempo, direct and energetic style.
They run a high press which can leave them exposed at times and requires concentration from all players in the defensive block, including strikers such as Embolo.
The side will take risks in getting the ball forward quickly, which can be of great benefit to Embolo, who is quick across the ground. They also tend to commit numbers to attacks centrally, with wing backs pushing to stretch the opposition, leaving the defensive midfielders (Zakaria, Kramer, Neuhaus etc.) to clean up any potential counter attacks.
Whilst they do change formation from time-to-time depending on the situation, their preferred set up is a classic 4-2-3-1 which has proved them very well, even securing their return to the Champion’s League last season.
Lately Embolo has been leading the line in the Bundesliga, even with stiff competition from Alessane Pléa, Patrick Herrmann and Marcus Thuram, who sometimes switches from his wide position to a central role.
This should tell you a lot about Embolo’s skillset already, but let’s dive deeper.
To understand a little more about the Mönchengladbach style I highly recommend this post by u/DimaSholom
Key traits
Embolo has a good mind for football and is able to use his strength intelligently to shield the ball and bring other players into play, making him very suitable for Mönchengladbach.
He’ll drop deeper than the wide men to pick up the ball and allow them to run in behind and passing-wise he is more than capable and is up to the challenge of the tricky interplay which Rose expects from his players. In terms of percentage completed, his passing matches up to Harry Kane last campaign, before Kane became De Bruyne 2.0.
Leading the line and playing on the shoulder is also where he excels given his ability to hit top speed very quickly, reaching 33.75 km/h this season.
Having often having used his speed to get in behind leggy defenders, he’s also a fairly good finisher, often enjoying a low slotted finish below the goalkeeper.
All this can be proven in his impressive 16 goal contributions in 28 Bundesliga games last season for his side. (8 goals, 8 assists.)
Defensively he’s perhaps even better though, which is vital given both the style of the Bundesliga and Mönchengladbach themselves.
Given the sheer size of the man, 6 feet tall and around 84kg, he’s as much of an aerial nuisance as you would expect and is able to win aerial duels when Mönchengladbach are under the knife defensively and need to get out of trouble with an uncharacteristic long ball.
He’s fouled often enough in these scenarios too, or fouls the opposition himself, slowing the play down regardless.
Reasonable comparisons
Statistically last season, Breel Embolo matches up very similarly to Wolverhampton Wanderers’ Raúl Jiménez.
Both registered 0.47 goals per 90 minutes for their respective teams and weight in to build up play with 1.22 key passes per 90 for Embolo and 1.32 for Raúl. Jiménez takes more shots per 90 at 3.22 compared with 2.68, which is likely due to Jiménez often being positioned as the sole focus of Wolves’ attacks.
A difference however is in xG per 90. Embolo underperforms with an xG of 0.57 (a similar total to Dominic Calvert-Lewin) whereas Jiménez just about overperforms with 0.45 xG per 90.
What this does highlight is a key weakness of Embolo, that of consistently finishing his chances.
The downsides
On a good day he can be incredibly smooth in front of goal, his instinctive finish against Shakhtar in this year’s Champion’s League is a great example of this but on others he can lack composure.
Recently against Augsburg he missed a number of golden opportunities to put the game beyond Augsburg, taking 5 shots in total but failing to convert, with the side conceding an 88th minute equalizer and dropping two very important points.
He can also be quite streaky in terms of scoring. Towards the end of last season, he made 4 goal contributions in the final 3 games but coming into this season he’s made just 3 in 7 leagues games, assists against Leverkusen, Mainz and former club Schalke.
What this may in large be down to, is a massive injury problem at the start his career, cutting out arguably his most important years of development. He suffered a number of incredibly serious injuries whilst at Schalke (a fibula fracture, and ankle fracture and a fractured foot) which caused him to miss over 50 games for the club over the years.
Ankle injuries aren’t 100% behind him and he’s suffered some discomfort in the last seasons but Embolo is still a high quality forward, and at 23 years old, he’s got a lot of time to rediscover his slowly growing confidence and return to his Basel and initial Mönchengladbach form.
Conclusion
If he continues to show his intelligence in attacking positions by using his body and speed to good effect he could end up on the radar of Europe’s top clubs. There aren’t many strikers of his age who can hold and move the ball as well as Embolo does, so keep an eye out for this star who continues to rise.
With a few good Champion’s League and Euro 2021 performances he could catch the eye and be well on his way to the next episode of his career, hopefully still under Rose, who is determined to get the very best out of his man.
I have previously done an edition of this on Leon Bailey so please check that out if you have the time. Any and all feedback and discussion is appreciated!
As the housing market looks set to crash, there can be a sense of opportunity in the air, especially for those looking to purchase their first home.
So, the question really must be, is it as much of a nightmare as you would expect?
In many ways, no. In other, yes.
Here’s my experience step-by-step:
Viewing
Viewing houses is still simple, you’ll just have to be used to wearing your mask and avoid touching things in potential homes quite as much as you would usually like, after all its someone’s home still. We found that many people would be happy to wait outside or in other rooms if we wanted to keep maximum distance, so don’t worry too much about the spacing.
Some places might ask you to do a virtual viewing first, but with a quick look online you’ll know immediately whether you want to see something in person or not.
Making an offer
This part will be much the same.
Call up, offer, wait, get the yes or no, feel happy or sad.
The only difference you need to be prepared for is that lots of people are in the market for their new home right now.
Even though there is a great number of listings, there is a substantial amount of people trying to snap up the best, ready-to-move-into homes, with homes on average selling within 27 days of listing.
Getting a mortgage
This is where shit fully hits the fan and your hopes and dreams feel dead.
Getting a mortgage offer is a total pain in the ass at the moment and an agreement in principal isn’t worth the paper you print it on, as evidenced by a shouting match I had down the phone to a fella at Barclays.
Nowhere is doing 5% mortgages anymore, and if you want a 10% mortgage, you’re probably looking towards using a mortgage broker.
There are tons of good ones around, so find one you trust and get their help – I’d recommend Warrington Mortgage Centre, who also have a great ‘Straight Outta Lockdown’ video series at the moment which helps to answer a load of important questions.
You’ve got a mortgage
Well done, you managed to find the elusive lockdown mortgage, now the waiting starts.
This waiting period is longer than the queues at Alton Towers, and it’ll be a good few months before anything is sorted, so just try to act quickly when needing to sign documents in order to speed up the process as much as possible.
You can also use this time to hoard things that you will need for your new home – cutlery, towels, pans, pictures, plants, all that stuff you never thought you’d actually have to spend your hard-earned money on.
Anything that you will instantly need which can sit in the corner of a room would be best bought here as you don’t want to have to make 20 trips to Ikea on the week you move in.
Good places to get stuff: Ikea, Dunelm, Tesco, Matalan, 4MURS (wallpaper), Argos, Made.com, Etsy.
Signing the ting
Another easy step that shouldn’t change much, just prepare yourself for the crushing feeling of all your money being transferred out of your account at once.
MOVING IN
Don’t worry about moving in and not being able to get any help, there is special dispensation in place for this.
Your parents, friends, other family members, they can all help you on the day and help make it a fun experience.
You should still do your utmost to follow the ‘Rule of Six’ and should ideally wear face masks and try to stagger the number of people at the house at one time. Washing your hands frequently is obviously a good safety measure too.
Just chuck all your shite in the gaff and then sort it later once everyone is gone.
Decorating
This is the most fun part.
I’d recommend that immediately after moving in you should take a week off just to ease into the new house and gauge what you like/don’t like, with a look to starting the home improvements later in the same week.
Stripping wallpaper is actually pretty fun and painting can be a relaxing task that instantly changes a room’s feel.
Building furniture (even flat pack) is a total bastard and you’ll absolutely need a toolbox before you get started on any major jobs.
Hopefully the kitchen and bathroom is liveable when you move in because I can’t imagine much worse than having improve those with immediate effect; not only will it be immensely time consuming, your wallet will commit breathe-no-more.
So there you have it, most of it is self-explanatory, but ultimately you shouldn’t be afraid of moving during Lockdown 2 and should just relax and enjoy the experience as much as possible. After all, you’ve earned it.
3 years ago, during his breakthrough season at Bayer Leverkusen, Leon Bailey was the talk of the footballing town.
Plaudits lapped up his direct style, talk of a switch to the English national team seemed fruitful and there were serious comparisons to Arjen Robben.
We don’t hear quite as much about Bailey internationally nowadays, and at 23, has there been a period of stagnation, or is he still destined for the very top of the game?
Before we jump entirely into that realm, lets talk about his playstyle, and how he fits into his Bayer Leverkusen side.
Managed by Peter Bosz, Leverkusen are a side built around two principles: controlling possession with quick passing, and all out attacking of the opposition goal.
Defensive solidarity is out the window, and the pressing style can be amateurish at times, with players appearing to scramble hyper-aggressively across the pitch rather than moving in a cohesive block. That isn’t a knock to the defenders. Tapsoba, Tah, Bender and company are all very good players, but they aren’t exactly set up for clean sheet success and their role revolves much more around beginning attacks, rather than stopping them.
What this does mean then, is that attacking players can truly thrive and have license to create, so let’s get back to the man himself.
Bailey is fast. Really fast. Really, really fast.
His top speed clocks in around an incredible 34km/h, making him an incredible asset on the break, roaring past defenders and supporting his fellow attackers, even when starting as far back as his own box. He makes around 30 sprints per game and hardly ever seems to tire, making him a real nuisance when players get leggy late in the day.
Most importantly though, he isn’t just about pace, as he can move the ball quickly between feet when dribbling, allowing him to change him pace in half a second and easily accelerate beyond opposing players, either getting to the byline for a cross, or cutting inside to take a strike at goal. He and Moussa Diaby swap wings throughout games, meaning both have opportunities to produce different chances for themselves or teammates.
Bailey, despite being more than strong enough in the challenge, rarely has to work back much and instead can be seen working hard in the frantic press.
Despite playing less than the others due to some reoccurring injuries, he compares well to Diaby himself, and Wolves’ Adama Traore.
As well as their play style being similar, based upon pace, trickery and quick ball movement, statistically they line up too.
Last season Bailey recorded an xG90 (expect goals per 90) of 0.36 compared with Adama’s 0.13 and Diaby’s 0.24, with Bailey showing an xA90 (expected assists per 90) of 0.21 compared with Traore’s 0.26 and Diaby’s 0.31. Bailey does however make as many key passes (passes which lead to shots) as the other two, all coming in around 1.7 per game, meaning Bailey is still providing chances to teammates.
So what should these stats show?
It should showcase that Bailey, whilst similar in play style to the others, with the ability to set up key shooting opportunities, is much more effective in front of goal himself. Further to the point, in the first five games of this season, he’s averaging 4 shots per game, which is right up there with the illustrious Arjen Robben’s Bundesliga statistics.
But herein lies the issue, and shows why Bailey remains at Leverkusen, rather than making the jump to the next level which many would have expected. With that many shots, he’s got to start finishing his chances more if he wants to be considered one of Europe’s best wingers.
Often, he’ll have some Theo-Walcottism about his decision making. He’ll opt to cut inside and blast a shot from 25 yards, rather than slip an easy and more effective pass outside to his full back, or to the feet Lucas Alario. Other times, he’ll be baring down on goal and try and slide a ball back across the box rather than take an easy shot, allowing a defender to steal in.
The best example of how frustrating he can be would be this chance – all Bailey has to do is make solid contact and he should score, but he’s almost going too fast for him to process, meaning he hits it with his weaker right foot and skies a key chance in the DFB Pokal final, with the score already at 2-0 in Bayern’s favour.
Clearly then, Leon Bailey still has heaps of talent, and fast wingers with high-quality close control dribbling are a hot commodity these days – with many ‘fast’ players hardly touching the coattails of the Jamaican forward.
He’s playing in a side that is set up to benefit his strengths so he must work on the thought process behind that cutting edge and given his age, this season feels a crucial stage in his development. Similarly, at age 23 Arjen Robben (whilst at Real Madrid) began a push to the next stage, which he unleashed at Bayern throughout the following decade. If Bailey can do the same, he could be the new king of the cut inside.
During the latest season break both André Schürrle and Benedikt Höwedes announced their retirement from football having both achieved the ultimate prize with their country back in 2014. Since that incredible victory in Brazil, the team has experienced a quite drastic change in fortunes and personnel, despite manager Joachim Löw still overseeing the German side. Some of the 23-man squad remain at the top level, with the stars of others fading; here then, is where the victorious 2014 Germany World Cup squad are now…
#1 – Manuel Neuer – Goalkeeper – Bayern Munich
Winning the Golden Glove in 2014, Manuel Neuer was undeniably the best goalkeeper in the world back in 2014 and his name was even in the hat for the Ballon d’Or, coming 3rd with a healthy 15% of the votes, especially considering the freakish talent he was up against with Messi and Ronaldo (who won it) ahead of him.
Nowadays he captains the side to regular Bundesliga titles and is still as quick-reflexed as ever, sensing danger from with predator-like precision and bailing out rare errors from his back line. Injury problems seem to be behind him too, and he’s still holding down the number 1 jersey for the national side.
He’ll undoubted have his eye on a 9th Bundesliga trophy and a 3rd Champion’s League winner’s medal in the next 12 months, being the serial winner he is.
#2 – Kevin Großkreutz – Defender – Free Agent
A lifelong Borussia Dortmund fan-become-legend, nobody on this list’s star has fallen quite like that of Großkreutz.
Having left the side he adored in 2015, things went downhill faster than a Sadio Mane hattrick; some factors out of his hands, but other issues were firmly of his own ridiculous doing.
First came the paperwork issue as the big bossmen at Galatasary failed to submit the relevant documents in time, meaning the defender was ineligible to feature until January 1st. FIFA rejected any appeal and Großkreutz collected his paycheck before returning to Germany on January 6th without a single showing for the Turkish club.
It was Stuttgart who bought him back home and the player looked happy to be back on the field, but the club were unable to retain their Bundesliga status, finishing 17th and being relegated for the first time in 41 years. The worst was yet to come though…
Four days after being in a bar fight which saw he and a 16-year old be taken to hospital and a further four suspects arrested, the club terminated Kevin’s contract by mutual consent. “I made a mistake and for that I’m very sorry. I accept the consequences and regret that my time at Stuttgart has come to an end in this way,” said Großkreutz before adding “I don’t want anything to do with football for the time being.”
One month later, he signed for Darmstadt 98. Make of that what you will.
Recently e was kicked out of Uerdingen and has now sued the club over outstanding salary payments. Additionally he has resigned as manager of Landesliga (6th tier) club Türkspor Dortmund which he coached for a year. The man lives for the drama.
The youngest player on this list, Matthias Ginter was just 20 when he was selected for the World Cup squad following an impressive season with Freiburg.
After the World Cup he signed for Borussia Dortmund before switching to his current club, Mönchengladbach, in 2017 where he has performed to a very strong level, helping the side return to the Champion’s League last season, a feat the side will be looking to repeat in the 20-21 campaign.
#4 – Benedikt Höwedes – Defender – Retired
Here he is then, the first of the retirees and a bonafide Schalke legend.
Höwedes somewhat surprisingly featured in every single minute of the 2014 triumph, along with Neuer and captain Philipp Lahm – he was exceptionally reliable and versatile, slotting into the left back role with ease and providing the solid performances expected of him throughout. He almost opened the scoring in the final too, his header cannoning off the post late in the first half, placing him centimeters from immortality.
Having racked up 240 professional games for Schalke, a vast number of which as captain, he departed on loan to Juventus in 2017. Sadly, the injuries had caught up with him incredibly quickly, resulting in Höwedes only being able to feature in 3 games for the Italian champions.
A move to Lokomotiv Moscow followed, ending his 17-year affiliation with Schalke. After two seasons in Russia, the club and player agreed to terminate his contract by mutual consent due to family reasons with his retirement arriving less than two months later, on July 31st of this year.
#5 – Mats Hummels – Defender – Borussia Dortmund
Another sure-fire legend of the professional game; Mats Hummels has been a leader at the heart of every defensive line he’s featured within. Scoring a couple of goals at the tournament, including the vital winner against France in the quarters, Hummels was a shining light of this German era.
A Bayern youth player, Mats made the unholy switch back to the champions in 2016 following over 200 games for BVB. There, he would win three league titles, adding to his two previous collected with Dortmund, before making the £30 million return to the yellow and black, where he remains today, having had a wonderful season back towards the peak of his elegant defensive powers.
Most noteworthy however, is that he was one of three veteran players (alongside Jérôme Boateng and Thomas Müller) who Löw would no longer be considering for selection as of 2019. Many have questioned this decision, especially given Germany’s less-than-consistent performances over the past couple of years, but the finger sniffer has held firm, and Hummels hasn’t featured in the national side since 2018.
#6 – Sami Khedira – Midfielder – Juventus
The ticking midfield maestro at the heart of the 2014 midfield, Khedira had another exceptional tournament to follow on from his 2010 success which saw him move to Real Madrid, where he won everything Spanish football has to offer.
As his contract expired with Madrid, he was picked up by Juventus, in typical free transfer fashion. A consistent performer in Italy, introducing others into play delightfully, he’s managed a tidy amount of goals over his five-year Italian tenure too.
Injuries have really started to ramp up however, and his legs are getting heavier on the field, so it wouldn’t be a surprise to see him depart The Old Lady come the end of his contract in summer.
Rightly hailed by Joachim Löw as one of the greatest footballers Germany has ever produced, Bastian Schweinsteiger enjoyed an illustrious career at Bayern Munich, racking up 500 games across all competitions and playing a variety of important roles through the years.
For many, he was man of the match in the 2014 final. Man-marking Messi out of the game for massive periods, controlling the midfield and launching attacks from deep – without him, the result could have been very different. Truly his finest hour.
Post World Cup injury issues became ever clearer (this is becoming a bit of a theme, isn’t it), and with his career in Germany winding down, a switch to Louis van Gaal’s Manchester United army ensued. Sadly though, he struggled to pick up the pace the side demanded, and it never really felt like he achieved what was hoped of him at Old Trafford. Mourinho’s arrival spelt the end for the German, being harshly treated and effectively pushed out of the squad and placed on the unwanted list.
As a result, he moved to Chicago Fire in the MLS and performed really well, seemingly having a new lease of life as he looked to guide the club to World Cup victory, if some journalists are to be believed…
Retirement in 2019 followed and he now works as a pundit, casting his footballing brain across the airwaves.
#8 – Mesut Özil – Midfielder – Arsenal
During the 2010 and 2014 World Cups, and for every season in between, Mesut Özil was one of the finest players on the planet; a serial assister who glided across the pitch with craftsmenship and fluidity like no other, he was the heartbeat of the attack for Germany, Real Madrid and Arsenal.
Having experienced massive success at Werder Bremen and Real Madrid, his move to Arsenal in 2013 was met with glee, as another giant of the game was set to make a splash in the Premier League – and splash he did. It’s easy to forget due to Arsenal’s turgid recent years, that for many years Özil way THE man for Arsenal.
Nowadays, he’s sometimes not even bench warming, and instead is smashing Fortnite whilst collecting his £350,000 per week and failing to make any sort of impact within the plans of Arteta and Unai Emery before him.
The real controversy lies in his retirement from the national team though.
After being pictured with Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdoğan (along with İlkay Gündoğan) fans were outraged, as the image was seen as an endorsement of the president’s highly controversial policies. The DFB publicly distance themselves from the situation, but following a frankly horrendous 2018 World Cup campaign, the issue reared its head again.
Özil addressed the concerns, stating that they solely discussed football, not politics, and that he was simply respecting the office of his family’s nation. He even battled back by zoning in on a potential lack of criticism received by Lothar Matthäus, who had met with Russian president Vladimir Putin before going on to accuse Reinhard Grindel, the DFB president, of racism. He promptly stepped down from the nation side in protest of his treatment, sparking yet more criticism in the direction of the Arsenal attacking midfielder.
Nothing has changed since, but there was that occasion in 2019 when Erdoğan was best man at Özil’s wedding. I’m sure they only spoke about football though…
#9 – André Schürrle – Forward – Retired
The man who assisted that famous winning goal, André Schürrle, has experienced a turbulent career following the World Cup win.
Leaving Chelsea in 2015 having never cemented his place in the starting line-up, he moved to Wolfsburg for approximately £22 million, performing to a high level in the green shirt and pushing him back towards the very top of his game. The result, a move to Borussia Dortmund for another sizeable fee but again his career took a nosedive.
Injuries struck, and alongside it, poor performances.
A loan move to Fulham showed promise, including a banging goal against Burnley, but he wasn’t the player Premier League had witnessed 4 years prior as Fulham dropped down to the Championship at the first time of asking. Another loan to Spartak Moscow failed to spark an upturn in form and retirement followed at just 29 years of age, with Schürrle stating that he no longer wanted to face the loneliness and endless competition of top-tier football.
A beauty to watch on his day, it’s a real shame he never quite acheievd what was anticipated of him. At least we’ll always have that assist, and that performance against Brazil in the infamous 7-1, everyone else had downed tools, but Schürrle, brilliantly, was having none of that.
#10 – Lukas Podolski – Forward – Antalyaspor
Despite playing a bit-part in this crowning moment for his country, Lukas Podolski will live long in the memory of German fans, with wonderful World Cup campaigns in both 2006 and 2010 and a team of the tournament appearance at Euro 2008.
The King of Köln, possessing unreal speed a foot like a traction engine, often saved his very best for the German national side, and is a cult hero for many across the globe. Having played in Germany, England, Italy and Japan and now Turkey with Antalyaspor, the man is best known for his dual spells at FC Köln where he racked up a mightily impressive 79 league goals, using his explosive pace to maximum effect in the Bundesliga.
Nowadays, when he’s not appearing in the Turkish Süper Lig, he putting his well-earned cash to a good cause, having founded the Lukas Podolski Foundation for Sport and Education which aims to give prospects to disadvantaged children and young people, fight child poverty, and promote social inclusion and integration and understanding among nations.
#11 – Miroslav Klose – Forward – Retired
I simply cannot do this man justice in words.
The all-time leading goal scorer in World Cup history, having converted in the famous 7-1 demolition of Brazil (surpassing Ronaldo Nazário’s as he went), Klose retired from the national side following his greatest triumph.
Whilst well-regarded as a scoring machine for both club and country, he is often boxed in as simply an aerial threat when in reality, he is far more than that. Possessing a rapid change of pace, strong build-up abilities and ultimately, some of the finest movement you’re ever likely to see, Klose was a complete striker. Plus, he could even pull off a somersault celebration, and what’s not to love about that.
Spending almost his entire club career in Germany, he eventually retired at Lazio with, as expected, a solid scoring record.
Having been part of the national side’s coaching set-up, he is now second-in-command to the incredible Hansi Flick at Bayern, where his tactical nous is certain to help him to flourish into a blooming boss in future.
#12 – Ron-Robert Zieler – Goalkeeper – FC Köln
Imagine making your professional debut with Northampton Town and ending up in a World Cup winning squad. That’d be bloody mint.
A Manchester United youth prospect, Zieler carved out a fantastic career for himself. The goalkeeper made over 200 appearances across two spells for Hannover and had a strong season with Stuttgart before a second tricky term, when he scored a calamitous own goal against Bremen. Caught out pulling his socks up when a throw-in came his way, he miscontrolled the ball and was forced to dive in vain as the ball trickled into the net. If that isn’t legacy, I don’t know what is.
Now he sits happily on the bench for FC Köln, but if Timo Horn continues his current form, he could find himself between the sticks once more.
#13 – Thomas Müller – Forward – Bayern Munich
The Bundesliga champion, assist master, space-invader, world cup top scorer, Germany centurion. What can be said about Müller that hasn’t been already. He’s perennially underrated, being one of the finest and most consistent players of a generation.
Aged just 24 when the 2014 contest rolled around, he had already accumulated 49 international appearances, and followed on from his destruction of England and Argentina in 2010 with another 5 goals at the finals, pairing a silver boot with his previous gold in South Africa.
The man has hardly missed a beat since, with his only real blip coinciding with the turbulent tenure of Niko Kovač. Now at 30 years of age, he’s leading Bayern to yet more league glory, with this year’s Champion’s League being a cherry atop his sporting cake.
As mentioned earlier however, Müller has been frozen out of the Germany squad by Joachim Löw, seemingly one of the scapegoats of the group stage exit in Russia. He stated that he was “angry and surprised” by the dropping of himself and his fellow teammates and given his incredible form (particularly this past season) it is more than understandable as to why.
#14 – Julian Draxler – Midfielder – Paris Saint-Germain
Destined for great things was young Julian. You’d have found him floating around the top of many a top prospect lists around the time of the tournament in Brazil; and whilst he’s had a more than respectable career in many a sense, he hasn’t truly hit the heights expected of him during those early Schalke days.
After moving onto Wolsburg for a hefty sum, it felt like Draxler was set to kick his career into the upper gears, helping the club reach the Champion’s League quarter finals for the first time ever. However, the club felt he had not met up to the lofty expectations and Draxler duly wished to move on.
Offers arrived but it would take until Christmas Eve later that year when PSG would stump up €42 million to secure his services, ending what the midfielders described as “the worst first half of a season of my career.”
He only made 20 appearances across all competitions for the French capital club in the previous term, without registering a single goal. Maybe the farmers have too much for him and again, it may be time to move on.
#15 – Erik Durm – Defender – Eintracht Frankfurt
When I heard Huddersfield Town were signing former World Cup winning defender you better believe my fantasy football senses were tingling off the charts.
The tingling was short lived. Huddersfield finished bottom and Durm was an absolute shadow of the player many Yorkshire fans had expected. But enough about the bad part, let’s hear some good. With BVB he had some good times, racking up a tidy half century of appearances in the yellow and black, and now he’s back in the Bundesliga with Frankfurt where he hopes to reignite his career on home soil.
#16 – Philipp Lahm – Defender – Retired
Captaining a side as gargantuan as this is no easy task, and there aren’t too many captains that measure up to the golden goose that is Philipp Lahm.
Lahm was the ultimate in high-level versatility, playing in the back line and midfield, with technical ability and tackling acumen on either foot – he’s also one of the most tactically intelligent players I’ve ever had the joy of watching, always appearing in the correct position and barely breaking stride to disrupt opposition moves.
At the World Cup he was imperious, starring in multiple positions and staking his claim as one of the best players at the tournament. Watching him lift the trophy (a first for unified Germany) was a joy to be hold and the highlight of a career that included a multitude of awards.
Should he move into management, I have no doubt he would be a success, given his second-to-none understanding of the game. Plus, he’s a wonderful man, helping to support a number of charities and advocating for tolerance of homosexuality in football.
#17 – Per Mertesacker – Defender – Retired
Back in the day Per Mertesacker was one of the most effective centre backs in Europe. At Hannover and Werder Bremen he established himself as a sensible centre back with an exceptional understanding of the game and disciplinary record. Obviously dominant in the air (being a whopping 6 foot 7) it is often forgotten how cool the man was with the ball at his feet – sure, he has a lack of pace, but was rarely caught out in the Bundesliga or internationally.
At the German World Cup in 2006, the 2008 Euros and the 2010 World Cup Mertesacker was a regular feature, showing a strong partnership with Christian Metzelder at the heart of defence. The emergence of Mats Hummels, Holger Badstuber and Jérôme Boateng ultimately played into the stepping back of Mertesacker, but he’ll be fondly remembered at international level. At Arsenal, he was a great leader and player, but injuries derailed his later years.
His performance in the 2017 FA Cup final will live long in the memory – having not started all season, he rolled back the years and put in a titanic performance, leading Arsenal to yet another FA Cup triumph. He’s still at Arsenal now, as he manages the academy and continues to showcase his professionalism and desire to the next generation.
#18 – Toni Kroos – Midfielder – Real Madrid
You obviously don’t win the World Cup nowadays without a premium squad, but the stacked level of this squad this squad is just absurd.
At the time of the tournament Kroos was still a Bayern player, moving to Madrid shortly after and continuing his meteoric to the top of the midfield tree. His incredible performance in that 7-1 demolition was a huge statement on the biggest stage, yet he still somehow moved for just under £30 million. One of the transfers of the millennium without a doubt.
He’s been a constant at the spine of the side since, forming a fruitful relationship with both Casemiro and Modric, helping to capture Madrid’s 11th European Cup, the first of a hattrick of Champion’s League trophies for Toni in white.
And he’s still doing it to this day, dictating tempo, snaffling attacks and scoring the occasional banger (see Germany v Sweden at the Russia World Cup), simply put, he can do it all and we’re incredibly lucky to be able to witness a player of his calibre week in, week out.
#19 – Mario Götze – Midfielder –PSV Eindhoven
From a talent fully realised, to one who was destined for so much more.
After coming off the bench in the final and quite brilliantly squeezing home the winning extra time goal Götze had punched a one-way ticket to mega stardom, individual awards and championship glory throughout his career.
And whilst much of this success reigns true, the train much have gotten a little lost en route to the destination. A mixture of less-than-incredible form and ultimately, a metabolic disorder which causes the fibres of the muscles to not function correct, meant young Mario pulled into the station a few stops short of the all-time greats.
Now he’s at PSV, and the versatile forward has already proven valuable for the side, netting a few goals early on. Who knows what the future will hold for the 28 year old, but I’m sure everyone hopes he’ll be able to somehow rediscover that electric form that put him on the roadmap in the first place and get him back amongst Europe’s elite.
#20 – Jérôme Boateng – Defender – Bayern Munich
The younger brother of Ghana’s Kevin Prince-Boateng, Jérôme backed his abilities when leaving Manchester City in search of more playing time in central defence, rather the being farmed out at right back.
People weren’t sure he was good enough, but not only did he talk the talk, he walked the walk, ran the run and showed everyone in England exactly what they had been missing, becoming one of the most decorated defenders the game has ever seen along the way.
Sure, there have been some downs (mainly Kovač dropping him and Messi imploding his ankles with the force of one thousand suns) but its been a career in Germany full of ups, including last season. With David Alaba moving to centre back, Boateng was imperious, cleaning up attacks and helping build from the base of Bayern’s traditional 4-2-3-1, helping the side add yet another European trophy to their illustrious cabinet.
This year will be more of a challenge than the last given Flick’s pancake-thin squad, but Boateng will likely shine once again before inevitably moving to Manchester United as his decline hits.
#21 – Shkodran Mustafi – Defender – Arsenal
Everton > Sampdoria > Valencia > Arsenal – Shkodran Mustafi has had quite the memorable career path thus far.
Eligible to represent Germany, North Macedonia and Albania, Mustafi made the right choice in opting to appear for his birth nation, appearing as a substitute throughout the 2014 tournament, and getting his hands on sport’s greatest prize.
Following the tournament, he moved to Spain and was one of the standout centre backs in La Liga, hence why Arsenal came sniffing for his signature. Surprising as it may be, he hasn’t always been the meme player he is now and he’s definitely shown a return to form under Arteta, whether he’s the standard they require anymore remains to be see, but this season will likely tell all.
#22 – Roman Weidenfeller – Goalkeeper – Retired
Another Dortmund legend, Roman Weidenfeller was unfortunate to only total 5 international games for Germany, largely due to the wealth of goalkeeping talent they’ve had the pleasure of selecting from throughout the years.
Having played for the black and yellow club from 2002 to 2018 he was the number one choice for many a year, until being overhauled by current keeper, Roman Bürki.
Still on the payroll at the club, he continues to work for BVB as an international ambassador.
#23 – Christoph Kramer – Midfielder – Borussia Mönchengladbach
Last but absolutely not least, it’s the man who had the weirdest experience of the final by far.
Starting his first game at the tournament due to Sami Khedira’s last minute injury, he suffered a concussion early in the match following a collision with Argentinian defender Garay, eventually being replaced by André Schürrle. The real kicker was that Kramer spent 14 minutes charging about the pitch in typical fashion before famously asking the referee whether it was the final that he was playing in, prompting his much-needed substitution.
Providing strength and leadership in the centre of the park, Kramer now turns out for Mönchengladbach where he is soon to rack up a century of appearances.
Right, this one stirred up some heated discussion, both on Twitter and in the pub, more than I could have expected.
In particular, a man called Smiler aggressively challenged everyone to return to the pub within 24 hours with their selected vegetable – adamant his bloodthirsty swede would be victorious.
Now it is time to settle the debate.
We’re down to the final 8 vegetables. The weak have made way for the strong. Fuck off peas, fuck off celery, fuck off lettuce. Losers. This is where the big boys play.
#1 – Potato
The fan favourite, the veg people instantly jumped to, the humble potato.
Are they veg? I mean they kind of are? Aren’t they, not earth, but like bread? They don’t go in the drawer in the fridge, so yea?
Who knows, I’m not one to go against the fans; but good Jesus if you think something that can be mashed with the simple addition of milk and butter can win a fight against literally all the other veg in the world, you’re just wrong.
#2 – Cauliflower
Might as well throw broccoli in the mix here as well. Why? Because right, you hit these boys, they split, thus essentially becoming more and more and more and more and more and more little cauliflower and broccoli.
They’ve got a never say die attitude that you may not like, but you simply have to respect.
Plus, we all know more is better. Like if a trillion lions fought the sun, they’re obviously winning because there’s only one sun, and literally a trillion lions. Checkmate.
#3 – Onion
Two words. Chemical warfare.
You hit an onion, you cry, and if you’re crying, you can’t fight properly. Also, layers, onions have layers – that’s a reference to Shrek, which means it a profound and fruitful argument.
The chemical warfare argument was presented originally as: “they’re like kamikazes but instead of crashing a plane into a boat they peel themselves and fuck everyone’s eyes up.” How can you argue with that logic?
Also, that was submitted forth by Jimmy Plant, and since vegetables are basically just plants, he must be considered a guru.
#4 – Butternut Squash
One of the favourites for sure, and it’s excellence is in its simplicity.
Squash is hard as fuck. Ever tried to cut one? Bet your knife got absolutely banged out, the poor bastard.
It’s also shaped a bit like a club, which if you didn’t know, is an actual real-life weapon, so squash is going to completely smash your shit up. Especially if your shit is pure vegetable.
#5 – Marrow
Holy FUCK.
Move aside butternut squash. Marrow is in town and he’s taking no prisoners. It’s a simple ‘my dad is bigger than your dad scenario,’ and this is the biggest veg of them all. So you’re done for.
The heaviest ever marrow ended up weighing over eight stone, which is heavier than a baby hippo; one of them falls on your head, you’re gonners.
Just accept it, marrow will completely fuck your face up and there’s nothing you can do to stop this absolute unit. It’s the Andre the Giant of the vegetable world, and he was a proper hard cunt.
#6 – Aubergine
Bit of a weird vegetable aubergine.
Got a waxy skin which is hard to pierce, but once you’re through, all of the smush just pours out, rendering it entirely useless – like me with a hangover.
Not the winner by any means, but someone always has to be the whipping boy, it’s just the rules.
#7 – Corn on the cob
It was written in ancient tomes that sweetcorn changed the landscape of vegetable fighting forever.
Like Johan Cruyff or Pep Guardiola, the sweetcorn was a revolutionary in all aspects of the combat sport.
It has a leafy outer layer, to either disguise from foes, or simply protect itself from damage, plus at its very core, it’s a super hard baton that you’d be an absolute fool to dismiss.
Where it really stands out from the pack though, is in its projectile weaponry. All those tiny corns can be fired from the cob at lighting speed, causing serious damage without entering the frankly outrageous reach of the marrow or butternut squash.
Nobody else in the game is performing at this level, and projectile violence is something you cannot turn a blind eye to. It’s next level shit.
#8 – Swede
Finishing off with another fan favourite, it’s the rock-hard swede. This was the one Smiler thought could stove my head in, and with good reason.
The thing is a ball of pure veggie-steel, like a bowling ball, but more compact, so by launching itself into battle, it’s going to cause some outrageous atrocities.
Again, the mashing issue rears its ugly head, but this bastard is a harder job, one that really cranks you elbow big time.
Who wins?
There you have it, your hardest eight vegetables, set to ride into battle for one final shot at glory.
Who will win is entirely up in the air, so it’s a great discussion to have at work Christmas parties, or round the dinner table on the 25th. It’ll all be fun and games until your granddad suggests that sugar snap peas have a chance. The moron.
I’ve done Sunderland, I’ve done Villa, but now it’s my turn to suffer, as my lovely Bolton Wanderers are next on the menu of disastrous Premier League campaigns. Yes I am bias, but we weren’t nearly as bad as the aforementioned teams, and we just came up just short, finishing behind QPR by a single point.
Injuries plagued Bolton’s season and the side never recovered from an awful run of early fixtures – in the first 7 games of the season we played City, United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool – which ruined the players’ confidence. We also had a shambolic refereeing performance on the final day, as both Stoke goals were dodgy at best, meaning we drew 2-2 and slipped into the second tier. But I won’t dwell on that, no matter how bad, you can’t blame getting relegated after 38 games on a single referee.
The true reason we went down was due to flailing manager, Owen Coyle. Following a fairly good campaign the year before, Coyle seemed to forget everything he knew about managing in 2011-2012. When things started to go south it became scarily evident that he had zero plan B, and simply could not adapt to situations presented to him. As a manager, he has never recovered from this plummet from grace and is now jobless after leaving Ross County.
Financially, the relegation ruined Bolton and we’re still stuck in the mire. Ken Anderson is a massive huge cunt, players and staff weren’t paid on time last month and rift between fans and the ownership are entirely irreparable.
So allow me to don my rose-tinted glasses to remember the somewhat happier times, and re-live the last squad that featured for us in the Premier League.
Goalkeepers
Ádám Bogdán – Hibernian (on loan from Liverpool)
Whilst unloved by Liverpool fans for dropping a clanger three minutes into his debut, Bogdán was an excellent performer for the Wanderers, winning the Player of the Season award in the relegation year. He is still on the books at Liverpool and following a dreadfully unlucky ACL tear during a spell at Wigan he’s now playing pretty well for Neil Lennon’s Hibs, though currently he faces competition for the number one spot above the border.
Jussi Jääskeläinen – Retired
Bolton fans have, in recent times, always been blessed with quality between the sticks, but Jussi was living on a completely different plane of existence. He played over 500 games for the club, had exemplary reaction saving abilities, once saved two penalties in a single game against local rivals Blackburn, and is a bona fide club legend. After his massive success in the North West he re-joined Big Sam’s gravy express at West Ham, before a short spell at Wigan Athletic. His son was also a Bolton youth goalkeeper for some time, and he now plays for Crewe Alexandra.
Defenders
Grétar Steinsson – Retired
Stiensson was a lovely player for Bolton, marauding up and down the right hand flank, displaying tough tackling and his thunderbastard of a shot as he went about his business. He was released by Bolton once the club dropped into the Championship and spent of very short time in Turkey before retiring. Away from the pitch he is now the Chief European Scout for Everton, having been the Technical Director at Fleetwood Town the three years prior to joining the Goodison club.
Marcos Alonso – Chelsea
Of all the players on this list, Alonso is most definitely at the peak of his powers in the present day. Success in Italy with Fiorentina led to Chelsea’s £24 million bid for the Spaniard and he’s been simply excellent at Stamford Bridge, particularly in attack, slotting home important goals under both Conte and Sarri, establishing himself as one of the premium Premier League fullbacks. Am I going to mention the elephant in the room? Yes I am. He killed a girl in a drink-driving incident in 2011, whereby he was driving 70mph in a 30mph zone. For this he served zero prison time. So yea, he’s a proper good footballer, but he’s also a disgraceful cunt.
Paul Robinson – Retired
Ever have those players at your club which cause you to audibly moan whenever you see their name on the team sheet? Well that player, for me, was Paul Robinson. Fair play he had successful tenures at Watford, West Brom and Birmingham (where he is now the under-23 coach) and he’s probably a nice man, but he’s just infinitely unimpressive and boring. Sorry Paul.
Gary Cahill – Chelsea
Whilst Alonso may be at the highest level currently, Cahill is certainly the most successful player from the squad of misfits. Bolton were forced to sell him for a measly £7 million in the January window and in May of the same season he started, and won, the Champions League against Bayern, what an incredible turn of events for the lad. Though his legs are a bit knackered now, he’s seen and done it all in the blue of Chelsea and made 61 appearances for England along the way. A proper gentleman and professional by all accounts, good on him. Rumour has it he could move to Fulham on loan this window, which could be massive for the Cottagers as, if nothing else, he could at least tell their shambolic back line where to fucking stand.
Zat Knight – Retired
The man initially purchased by Fulham owned Mohamed Al-Fayed for the sum of 30 tracksuits had some good times at the Reebok Stadium. A powerful leader, despite being rather limited, he did a job in the back four. He stuck around in the second division for a while, but left in 2014 following the expiration of his contract and featured four times for Colorado Rapids, twice for Reading, then eventually retired from football.
Tyrone Mears – West Bromwich Albion
17 years, 11 clubs. This journeyman has had quite the career, spanning clubs such as Preston North End, Minnesota United and even an unsolicited loan to Marseille, whereby he went full Peter Odemwingie and flew to France to train with the team. He failed to rack up many appearances in the white of Bolton due to a plethora of injuries but he did have success later at Seattle Sounders, as he won the MLS cup in 2016, with his side triumphing 5-4 on penalties against Toronto. Now he’s back in Championship-land, as he signed with West Brom in August.
Sam Ricketts – Retired
Other than playing a stellar 52 games for Wales, Ricketts had a largely uninteresting career. Signed from Hull for an undisclosed fee, he was a semi-regular throughout his time at Bolton, featuring 20 times during the relegation season, and continuing with the club in the second tier. He retired from football whilst at Coventry in 2016 and has since stepped into management, first highly succeeding with Wrexham, before moving to Shrewsbury, with his side currently nestling in 18th in League One and having knocked Stoke City out of the FA Cup.
Tim Ream – Fulham
A highly touted centre back, Tim Ream arrived from New York Red Bulls following the transfer of Gary Cahill to Chelsea. He quickly adapted to life in the Premier League, and even cancelled his honeymoon to join the Wanderers, but his ability and commitment were not enough to keep Bolton above water. The next season was tough for him, but in the seasons of 2013/14 and 2014/15 he was a new man, and was named the club’s Player of the Season on both occasions. Ream’s fine form attracted the attention of fellow Championship sides Middlesbrough and QPR but ultimately he switched to Fulham for whom he has made over 100 appearances and secured promotion the Premier League, featuring 44 times last term.
Dedryck Boyata – Celtic
Dedryck Boyata was fucking shite for Bolton. He arrived as an inexperienced but promising youth player, on loan from Manchester City. His positioning was frankly godawful and it was nigh-on impossible to understand what all the hype was about. He eventually got out of the City spin cycle and secured a permanent deal with Celtic, where he has performed inconsistently whilst simultaneously pissing off Celtic fans beyond belief as he has basically thrown a strop on multiple occasions and is looking to leave the club. Somehow he’s still getting picked for Belgium though, what a wild world we live in.
David Wheater – Bolton Wanderers
A man so large I’m surprised his head doesn’t have its own orbit, David Wheater has been simply astronomical for the Wanderers. In the Championship Wheater has been the tape holding together a plethora of shaky defenders and is now deservedly the club captain. His contract has expired twice at Bolton, but both times he has opted to stay on, even taking a severe wage cut when the club dropped into the third tier, a division in which he was named Player of the Season. At 31 years of age he’s still got a lot left in the tank, and remains key to Bolton’s survival hopes this campaign.
Midfielder
Fabrice Muamba – Retired
The one saving grace of this dumpster fire of a season, Fabrice Muamba, who suffered a cardiac arrest during the first half of an FA Cup quarter-final match against Spurs, despite never being able to play the game professionally again, avoided suffering any tragic long-term effects. His heart stopped for 78 minutes, and doctors did a truly fantastic job in caring for Fabrice. On the pitch, he was a brilliant player for Bolton, shielding the defence well and doing a good job in adding tempo to the team’s build-up play. Since his sudden retirement he’s worked as a pundit, gotten a degree, is now a youth coach at Rochdale and even participated on the Christmas special of Strictly Come Dancing in 2012.
Chris Eagles – Free Agent
The Manchester United academy graduate (best known for his shite hair) experienced a lot of success at Bolton, and beforehand Burnley. After scoring 15 goals in the 2010-2011 season for Burnley, he was purchased by Owen Coyle, re-uniting himself with his former boss. Eagles featured often in the Premier League, and tore up the Championship in the following season but was released by the club once Dougie Freedman took over, stating that: “I didn’t like him and I didn’t like the way he managed. He showed me no respect.” The creative winger has failed to find a club that has felt like home since leaving the Reebok Stadium and, at 33, time is running out for him to relight his footballing fire.
Stuart Holden – Retired
Stuart Holden is one of the biggest wastes of footballing talent I can recall, by no fault of his own. Thanks to a reckless challenge by Jonny Evans in 2011, Holden suffered a femur fracture and never managed to return to full fitness, forcing him to leave the game behind in February 2016. He didn’t feature in a single game during the relegation term and perhaps with this little genius on the field, things would have turned out much differently. Now he’s a pundit in America, covering the MLS, Champions League and even the 2018 World Cup. Fun side note: had his sporting career not taken off, he could have been a professional Counter-Strike player, having experienced success in the eSports scene at a young age.
Martin Petrov – Retired
Petrov showed some really classy moments at Manchester City, so when he joined Bolton I was pretty bloody pleased. However, outside of some rare flashes of brilliance, his inconsistency showed and ultimately he wasn’t the player I hoped he would be. A sorry spell at Espanyol followed, with Petrov eventually retiring at CSKA Sofia in his native Bulgaria.
Ricardo Gardner – Retired
When Bolton were relegated, club legend Ricardo Garner was the second longest serving foreign player in Premier League history, beaten only by fellow Bolton hero Jussi Jääskeläinen. Whilst he was a great player in the Sam Allardyce era, he was way past it in 2011 and only made four Premier League appearances in the season. Now he serves at the head coach at Harbour View in Jamaica, as well as managing the national team’s U20 squad.
Mark Davies – Free Agent
Yet another man with large individual quality but an even larger injury record. In the relegation term Davies was the main creative influence for the squad but unfortunately at a young age he could only carry the team on his back for so long. Davies’ contract expired in 2017 after a few seasons where he was in and out of the starting eleven and he has yet to find a new club, likely due to his frequent visits to the treatment table.
Nigel Reo-Coker – Free Agent
Big Nige, what could have been – he was West Ham’s youngest ever captain and had a successful run with Aston Villa but left both in a bit of a strop before landing at Bolton Wanderers. Alongside Muamba he was intended to bring defensive solidity to the midfield but performed averagely throughout. From here he flattered to deceive with Ipswich, Vancouver, Chivas USA, Montreal and IK Start, before finally committing the ultimate footballing sin; joining MK Dons having been a Wimbledon youth player. Shame on you Nigel.
Darren Pratley – Charlton Athletic
Signed for free in 2011, Pratley experienced it all with the Wanderers. 2 relegations, 1 promotion, a club captaincy and 178 appearances. He was a model professional for the entirety of his seven year stay up north, gave fucking everything on the field and is now performing solidly as expected for Lee Bowyer’s Charlton. So yea, nothing too much to say on this one, other than thanking him for sticking with the club in the darkest of times.
Lee Chung-Yong – VfL Bochum
A creative midfielder who might have had the quality required to help keep Bolton up but ended up out for the entire season… there’s a growing theme here. Outside of Holden, Lee was far and away the best player in this squad, but the South Korea international broke his leg in a pre-season showdown against Newport County. After his return there wasn’t enough time for Lee to impact the sorry side and in truth, he was never quite the same dynamic wonder following his gruesome injury. In 2015 he departed for Pardew’s Palace and treaded water throughout his three years there. Bolton attempted to re-hire him in 2018 but work permit issues saw him join Germany’s Bochum instead. I miss him every day.
Gaël Kakuta – Rayo Vallecano
Six years at Chelsea, six loans, joke about a more iconic duo here. Kakuta never came close to reaching his potential and wasn’t nearly worth the trouble Chelsea incurred in supposedly tapping him up. He was toothless for Bolton and couldn’t even cut it in China. He’s now as underwhelming as you’d expect for DR Congo and Rayo Vallecano, having score once in seven league appearances.
Forwards
Tuncay Sanli – Retired
Having flopped at Stoke, but impressing at both Fenerbahçe and Middlesbrough, the loan of Tuncay from Wolfsburg was going to be hit or miss. As it turns out, the move was a Morata-one-on-one level miss, Tuncay failed to net in the league and looked leggy up top, struggling to lead the line in the manner fans had prayed. Safe to say, Bolton opted not to make the move a permanent deal, so he returned to Turkey, before finishing his playing days in the Indian Super League with Pune City, who are now managed by Phil Brown, another little factoid for you there.
Kevin Davies – Retired
What can I even say that will justify the importance of Kevin Davies to Bolton. The absolute unit of a man led the line expertly throughout Bolton’s Premier League tenure, bullying defenders on a weekly basis and typifying Sam Allardyce’s defensive masterclasses back in the day. He also holds the record for the most fouls in a single season, with 121 infringements in a single campaign. In 2011/12 he did struggle somewhat, but still bagged a few important goals for the club, including one on the final day against Stoke. His departure from Bolton was a little nasty, as he was dropped from matchday squads altogether, and he eventually retired after two years at Preston North End. He did manage Southport FC for a short while, having been sacked last year.
Ivan Klasnic – Retired
Gary Megson’s final signing for Bolton back in 2009, was Ivan Klasnic. I loved him. His ability to shoot on the spin was second-to-none and he could smash in goals from amazing angles, giving Bolton an entirely different option to the rest of the forward players. A red card for headbutting Norwich’s Marc Tierney saw him dropped for a portion of the relegation year and he departed the club at the end of the season. Klasnic’s retirement has been a sad tale. He endured kidney problems throughout his career, even having a transplant in order to appear at Euro 2008 for Croatia, but in 2016 the same kidney failed and he was deemed critically ill, until another transplant took place in late 2017. All the best to the man, I wish him the swiftest of recoveries.
David N’Gog – Budapest Honvéd
In darker times for Liverpool, the man with the amazing bonce, David N’Gog, was playing second fiddle to prime Fernando Torres. Not the ideal back up for a team hoping to mount a title challenge. Bolton picked him up on deadline day in 2011 for a tidy £4 million but he struggled to make too much impact in white and was shipped out in 2014, going on to feature for five clubs in the next four years. Interestingly though, after signing for Stade de Reims in 2014, he supposedly vanished into thin air, with the club not knowing his whereabouts. He’d checked out of the hotel he was living in and appeared to have fucked off, but the club later tried to explain the situation, stating that N’Gog had been suffering from a ‘stomach virus.’ Now, at just 29, he’s safely located in Budapest.
Marvin Sordell – Burton Albion
Football isn’t all sunshine and roses for players; Marvin Sordell really typifies that fact. After bursting onto the scene with Watford in 2010, he has struggled to find goalscoring form at any of his other clubs, including Bolton. More so than that, Sordell has suffered terribly from depression during his career, with his lowest point being an attempted suicide attempt in 2013. Thankfully he is enjoying his life a lot more now, and is receiving proper support from his current manager, Nigel Clough. If you would like to hear more about his struggles, I would recommend reading this article by the Guardian, it really is powerful stuff: https://www.theguardian.com/football/2018/sep/10/marvin-sordell-interview-dead-inside-emotions-depression
Ryo Miyaichi –FC St. Pauli
Last, and unfortunately least, we have Ryo ‘bags of potential’ Miyaichi. Other than a strong first month on loan from Arsenal, the Japanese youngster had very little about him and his brain knew only one thing; kicking the ball past an opponent, hoping it stays in play, and using his cheetah-like pace to get to the ball first – safe to say, he was found out very quickly. Since 2012 he was loaned to: Wigan, FC Twente and Jong Twente, before finally gaining a permanent move to Bundesliga 2 with St. Pauli, where he has made 31 appearances in three years.
Well there you have it, now you can hopefully understand the disaster that was Bolton’s 2011-2012 season in the Premier League. The season looks increasingly likely to be the last time the team will ever feature in the top flight, with the team more likely to go bust than experience a phoenix like rise. Let me know if there is a team you’d like me to run down next, it’s a lot of fun to write there so all feedback is appreciated.
I’m not saying that Aston Villa deserved to be relegated, but if you employ Tim Sherwood as manager you really are providing yourself with the worst possible chance of survival. Tactics Tim was clueless as to how to set up his team appropriately and was promptly sacked after losing six games on the spin. His replacement was highly touted Remi Garde, who not to be outdone, was also let go from Villa after a six-game losing streak.
After months of torment, largely due to poor recruitment and the failure to replace key players in Benteke and Delph, the side were relegated to the second division with a frankly shambolic 17 points, a full 22 points behind Sunderland, who finished in 17th.
Having since been forced to ride the Steve Bruce gravy train, the club are now nestled in the Championship’s dangerous abyss, mid-table.
I did one of these previously, for Sunderland, which you can check out here if you like.
That said, here are the Aston Villa players relegated in 2016, and where they are now.
Goalkeepers
Brad Guzan – Atlanta United
After spending a season in the North East with Middlesbrough, Guzan was presented with a massive opportunity to return to the MLS, as newly-formed Atlanta United’s number one keeper. He was also involved in one of the wackiest incidents I’ve ever seen in football, as he was mic’d up in the MLS All-Star game against Juventus, so the commentators could chat to him whilst he was playing – check this shit out.
Mark Bunn – Aston Villa
Bunn has barely played for the club throughout his career and is still warming the bench at Villa. He’s like when Chelsea had Hilario, every now and then he pops up to let you know he still exists, but there’s not much more to say. Probably a Pointless answer that would heavily impress Richard Osman.
Defenders
Micah Richards – Aston Villa
I am genuinely stunned that Richards is still on the books at Villa. He was named club captain before his debut at the start of the relegation season but has undeniably been a flop since joining from Manchester City. Still taking home around a colossal £25,000 per week, he hasn’t played for Villa in over 700 days and doesn’t look close to returning anytime soon due to constant fitness issues. The sooner the club get to move him on and stop paying his wages the better.
Jores Okore – Aalborg BK
Arriving at Villa for around £4 million at a very young age, Okore was tipped for success in the Premier League, largely thanks to lots of overhyping due to him being incredibly fast and strong on FIFA. After coming back from an awful injury in his first season in England he eventually left Villa under a storm cloud as he refused to come on as a substitute against Bournemouth in 2016, moved to Copenhagen in the summer, and then onto Aalborg.
Ciaran Clark – Newcastle United
Having endured a fairly successful time in claret and blue, even being selected as captain on some occasions, Clark moved to Newcastle and formed a rock-solid partnership with captain Jamaal Lascelles. After helping Rafa Benitez’s side return to the Premier League he has continued to feature in Newcastle’s first team in the top flight.
Joleon Lescott – Retired
Following a decent enough start at his boyhood club, Lescott managed to infuriate Villa fans in a massive way. Firstly, following a 6-0 home defeat to Liverpool, he ‘pocket-tweeted’ a picture of his luxury car and apologised by basically saying ‘oops, didn’t mean to,’ then once Villa had mercifully had their relegation confirmed, he described the moment as, “a weight off the shoulders” and that they “can give these fans what they deserve – some performances.” Villa fans were rightly incensed by the tweet and comments and questioned his desire to play for the club, forcing him to leave for AEK Athens, before finally retiring after re-joining David Moyes at Sunderland.
Alan Hutton – Aston Villa
Fair play to Alan Hutton. Yea he’s shite and never lived up to expectations, but he has also had a trifecta of loan moves since joining the midlands club and still managed to re-establish himself as a starter in the side. Nowadays he’s as inconsistent as ever, but having notched up over 150 appearances for the club, he does deserve credit for working his way back into the first team. When his contract runs out in 2019 at the age of 34, it might finally be time for him to move on.
Jordan Amavi – Marseille
Much like Okore, Amavi suffered a horrible injury in his first season at Villa, however, unlike Okore, Amavi acted with true professionalism following the club’s relegation and made an effort to try and get the team back into the big time. After they failed to return to the Premier League though, it was time for Amavi to depart, and now he is enjoying a good stint at Marseille and is on the fringes of a possible call-up to the French national team. Before he left though, on 27 December 2016, Aston Villa apparently turned down an £25 million bid from an undisclosed Chinese club for Amavi, which highlights the explosive effect China has had on transfer window prices.
Aly Cissoko – Yeni Malatyaspor
Yea he’s now plying his trade in a mid-table Turkish side, but who cares, lets just watch one of the greatest footballing videos ever produced, because I’ve got some Fever for the Flava!
Midfielders
Leandro Bacuna – Reading
In his initial season at Villa, Bacuna was fairly impressive, despite playing almost exclusively out of position, at right-back. From there though his form dipped and like his former club he finds himself trapped in Championship perjury, having moved to the Royals in 2017. He has however, experienced success on the international stage, having helped Curaçao to their first Caribbean Cup victory in 2016, which was the final year the tournament took place.
Idrissa Gana Gueye – Everton
Following Villa’s collapse, there weren’t too many scraps to feed on from the squad, but Everton swooped in for the tastiest piece of footballing steak, as they triggered Gueye’s release clause. Gueye has been a standout performer under his various managers at Everton, cementing himself as one of the top tacklers across the top five leagues in Europe. In other words, he’s kind of a budget Kante.
Scott Sinclair – Celtic
Can you believe Scott Sinclair used to play for Manchester City, no, neither can I. After joining Villa on a permanent basis he endured a middling-to-poor season and was signed by Brendan Rodgers and had a simply excellent year at Celtic, becoming the SFA player of the year. Since then he has been a continuously good performer for the Hoops, despite never hitting the dizzy heights of season one again.
Ashley Westwood – Burnley
Villa fans largely loathed Westwood during his tenure at the club, as he epitomised the lacklustre options in the centre of midfield. The scapegoat in a herd of mediocrity was largely booed by his own supporters when stepping out on the field. Villa fans may feel vilified due to Westwood’s minimal impact under Sean Dyche but it has to sting knowing that the player they hated so much is playing in a higher division than them.
Jordan Veretout – Fiorentina
This highly touted individual was signed by Tim Sherwood with a real weight of expectation to his name, and at just £7 million, could have been one of the bargains of the summer. But it did not work out, not one bit. After one loathsome campaign at Villa he was loaned to Saint-Étienne, before making a permanent transition to Fiorentina where he is finally flourishing like the prospect pundits believed him to be. Now he is probably one of the best midfielders in Serie A – certainly one of the best outside the top four sides – with his delicious range of passes and ability to break up stubborn defences, and he should perhaps be in line for a call up to the French national team soon.
Kieran Richardson – Free Agent
From West Brom saviour to free agent in four easy steps; a fine spell at Sunderland, followed by three poor tenures at Fulham, Villa and Cardiff. He was a versatile option for Villa, and was therefore pretty valuable in the relegation season, but his performances were nothing special and he was released following the side dropping into the second division. He’s since been on trial at Granada, and also trained with Southend United, but nothing came of either. Retirement is surely on the horizon for Kieran.
Adama Traore – Wolverhampton Wanderers
When Adama arrived from Barcelona he was fast as fuck, but he couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. Final product did not exist in the mind of Traore and his spell at Villa ended in disarray after he was dropped from the side for ill-discipline. He switched to Middlesbrough and quite literally found his feet to win the club’s player of the year award in 2017/2018, notching up five goals, ten assists and being a terror to defenders all year. Wolves picked him up following their promotion, and he’s already cemented himself as a top-drawer impact sub for Nuno Santo’s squad. Pro life tip here though: find someone who loves you as much as Bob Mortimer loves Adama.
Such a sad day. Extraordinary talent the likes of which I have never seen in 50 years. Wolves fans you are lucky lucky bastards. Best wishes towards you lad and thanks for the memories #boro#wwfc#heartbreakingpic.twitter.com/PKuXxiG5su
Nicknamed, La Roca (The Rock), for his strength in midfield, he certainly hit rock bottom in his time at Villa. Even though he was one of the more consistent players in the team, he couldn’t save the side from relegation, and following a short stint in Italy and Spain, he has found himself back in England, at Pellegrini’s West Ham United. He made a high profile mistake against Wolves but has been decent outside of that, though he’s currently on the treatment table with a knee issue.
Carles Gil – Deportivo La Coruña
Carles Gil is probably my favourite player in this bunch. Admittedly it’s a real dearth of talent so that’s no great accolade, but hey, I like him. Outside of scoring Villa’s goal of the season in their relegation year, he had a great deal of technical quality but couldn’t drag this sorry squad out of the mire alone. His initial stay at Deportivo was a disaster though. He was side-lined for months due to a hernia injury and then, once he’d returned to fitness, was unfavoured by new manager Clarence Seedorf. Now, with the club down in La Liga 2 he is finally back on the pitch and hopefully beginning an upturn in his career.
Charles N’Zogbia – Free Agent
Poor Charles simply couldn’t get his motor started at Villa. Signed from Wigan Athletic for a pricey £10 million, he suffered from various injuries and his form dropped off a cliff as a result. In summer 2016, having managed just a couple of appearances at Villa Park, he left the club. Since then he trained with Sunderland, who opted against signing him despite him scoring in a trial game, and was almost signed by Nantes. However, Nantes doctor’s discovered a serious heart condition, which scuppered the move and Charles, now aged 32, is unlikely to ever play again, despite having not announced his retirement from the game yet.
Jack Grealish – Aston Villa
What a season this was for Grealish. He burst onto the scene and was a true stand out in this squad, lost all 16 games he played, and was punished for being unprofessional by going clubbing following a 4-0 loss to Everton. Following this he was blasted by all fronts of the media and he became flavour of the month for negative stories. Thankfully, he seems to be beyond those days now and media attacks have greatly reduced. Nowadays, he’s still standing out at Villa and is producing some excellent displays, if his side don’t get promoted this season, surely it will be time for the Premier League vultures to pounce on him.
Forwards
Gabriel Agbonlahor – Free Agent
Agbonlahor spent 17(!) years in the Villa system, somehow. After exploding into the side in 2006, he only registered double figures in league goals 3 times, and in his final three seasons he scored just one measly goal each term. Plus, in these last few seasons, he had some significant fitness and weight issues, causing him to be dropped by Remi Garde, before returning to the squad on a strict fitness regime under Steve Bruce. Now he is without a club and claims that he could not play for another English side due to his love for Villa, apparently even offering to play for them for nothing. Even that is too high a price to pay for a man who scored as many goals in 3 seasons as Joleon Lescott bagged in the relegation year.
Jordan Ayew – Crystal Palace
Having been relegated at both of his Premier League clubs, I would be slightly worried as a Palace fan, as they currently have him on loan from Swansea. He’s yet to score for Palace and was handed a fair amount of criticism last weekend for failing to even attempt to stop Juan Foyth from heading home in a 1-0 defeat. At Villa, he was top scorer with 6 goals in the season, and at Swansea he was also top scorer, with 7 goals; so at least he provides something, but he does look quite out of place in Roy Hodgson’s side.
Libor Kozák – Livorno
Kozák’s time at Villa was largely a fucking disaster, but not one of his own making. After making an okay-ish impression, he broke his leg in a training ground accident with Ciaran Clark, causing him to miss the rest of the 2013/14 season, and leading to a number of issues that meant he could barely feature in the 2014/15 and 2015/2016 terms, tallying just four showings in the club’s final term in the Premier League. Now he is in Serie B, and largely used as an option from the bench because his injury woes prevent him from landing any consistent game-time.
Rudy Gestede – Middlesbrough
I don’t mind being the one to say it, Rudy Gestede is a terrible footballer. He’s still, after 3 long years, riding the coattails of the success he incurred at Blackburn, where he played in a team that were lethal going forward and completely played to his strengths. Unless you go all out on Gestede’s positive traits, the negatives shine through with an intensity only the sun can match. After scoring just 5 Premier League goals, Villa somehow sold him for £6 million to Middlesbrough in January, where he scored once, and was relegated for a second successive year.
To conclude, a real lack of talent throughout the side is obvious, and even those with the talent, they couldn’t utilise well (Vertout, Gueye, Adama). I think the squad overall highlights how a team can completely fall apart if they lose their key players from the year before, as with Benteke and Snakey Snake Delph, they would have had a much better crack at staying in the Premier League. Just four of these men remain with the club, who currently sit in 11th in the league, with promotion looking a challenging task in such a congested division.
Essentially, imagine learning everything you need to know about a single subject in the space of one year, then smashing through 15 exams in the space of a month, which determine whether the year, and your extra £9,000 loan, will be an entire waste or not. It’s enough to turn you from a relaxed and confident individual, to a nervous wreck in an instant.
It’s bizarre that the system of academia in the UK continues to run this way, like I get it, it’s the easiest way to determine how much has been learned over the course of the year, but it isn’t even close to being the most effective.
The fact that I learnt about certain topics in November of 2017 and did the exam in May 2018 is just absurd to me, it gives nobody the best chance of success and instead increased coursework and set of smaller exams would give people an improved possibility of passing, and passing well.
Also, as I did my MA in journalism, we had two sets of exams running side by side, one set for MMU itself and one set for the NCTJ (National Council for the Training of Journalists) which created so much confusion in terms of dates, for both us students and for tutors.
What I think is key for a masters student then, is communication.
So many times through the year I found myself infuriated because dates and times and requirements for certain pieces of work were all over the place, and if things had been streamlined and more clearly delivered to students it would have been a much less stressful experience come when the exam bell tolled.
Whilst sometimes it was clear well in advance what the plan was, sometimes it was left until literally the day before for an exam time or room to be fully confirmed, which just added to the endless list of things we were forced think about before entering another immensely important hurdle on the course.
In an ideal world, I feel the course, the department and probably the entire university, would have benefitted from a person specifically employed in order to bridge the gap between students and higher ups. We had catch-ups with tutors and such, but if there was a clear person whose role was to communicate all important information to either side, life would have been so much easier. It would have eliminated the stress of not knowing exactly what was going on from a student standpoint, but also would have meant tutors had to spend less time hearing us vent issues or having to waste time chasing up dates and times.
Overall though, I truly enjoyed completing my masters. My tutors were all excellent and made lectures genuinely interesting and enjoyable to attend, which is something that I found very different to my undergraduate study. Even the most mundane parts of the course were met with unbridled positivity and attention to detail.
I’ve learnt a whole range of important teachings this year and feel properly prepared to step up into a career in journalism. Writing, radio, shorthand and video; its all been worthwhile and has helped me to transition from everyday blog writing (like this which you are reading right now) into someone able to replicate journalistic techniques in order to produce engaging and meaningful content.
Dissertations are kinda weird too aren’t they. Upon handing it in you’re pretty much saying: “here’s a piece of work that I spent literally hundreds of hours producing and if it is shit I will fail, hope you like it.” I liked writing mine but Jesus it was nerve-racking to finally have to let it go.
It’s all over now, so I just need someone to take a chance on me and give me an opportunity to break into the world of professional journalism, which is easier said than done. But I’ll be sure to grab the brass ring and not take any lucky break for granted – I’m sure my time will come round soon.
If nothing goes to plan I’ll have no other choice but to pursue a career in controlling a meme account on Twitter, or if all else fails, I’ll find a way to make money by stealing content from Reddit; everybody else seems to be doing so these days, so why not?
At the end of the 2016-2017 Premier League season Sunderland were relegated with a measly 24 points. Championed by David Moyes, they finished bottom of the league with just 6 wins throughout the campaign and returned to the second tier of English football for the first time since 2007. They’ve managed to plummet even further, and are now in League One following a second successive last place league finish. Now they have new owners, who seem to understand the needs of the club and the fans, and bluer skies seem to be on the horizon for the Mackems.
A whole lot has changed at Sunderland in the past couple of years then, and that goes for the players too, as just three members of the first team squad in the Premier League remain at the club at they look to re-rise to the top division.
Here is where the 2016/2017 squad members are now.
Goalkeepers
Jordan Pickford – Everton
Despite Sunderland’s woes in the Premier League, Pickford shone behind his shaky defensive line. He caught the eye with a number of reflex saves (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAbw1g7dYeI) and showed maturity beyond his years as he attempted to command a leaky back line to success. His hard worked earned him a switch to Everton, where he is set to be their number one for the foreseeable future. He also became a world cup hero this summer as he England won their first ever penalty shoot out in the history of the competition thanks to Pickford’s saves.
Vito Mannone – Reading
Following the rise of Pickford from the academy, Mannone struggled to get many games in his final season in red and white. Now he has swapped his stripes for hoops and is the first-choice goalkeeper for Reading, who are battling for survival Championship for the second successive season.
Defenders
Billy Jones – Rotherham
Jones amassed 87 appearances for Sunderland but following their relegation to League One last year, he was released by the club. Promoted Rotherham picked up Jones, so he is in a similar position to Mannone and will likely be amongst a relegation battle this season.
Bryan Oviedo – Sunderland
The first of three players on this list still on the books at Sunderland. Moyes signed him as one of many former Everton players, as if he was trying to complete an Everton bit part sticker collection. After injuries worries plagued his tenure at Goodison he has finally found fitness but is still only featuring as a bit part player for Sunderland this term.
Jason Denayer – Lyon
Sandwiched between a pair of fairly solid loans at Galatasary, Denayer had a loan season from Manchester City at Sunderland, where he featured 22 times. He wasn’t completely sold on the move to the North East: https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/transfer-news/manchester-city-sunderland-jason-denayer-13319817 and it showed in his performances as he struggled to produce the goods for Moyes’ side and hardly looked comfortable on the pitch. He moved to Lyon for €6.5m this summer after turning down a move to Girona but is yet to appear for the French side.
Papy Djilobodji – Free Agent
The first of the three main events in this illustrious list of players. Papy Djilobodji spent the month of June searching for a move away from the Stadium of Light, which Sunderland were happy for him to do; once July came, Djilobodji still didn’t have a new side, and was expected to return to Sunderland training. Except he didn’t. The Senegalese centre back instead opted to return in September, having presumably spent his summer on the bevvies, smoking cigars and eating cake because he re-emerged unfit to play and was promptly sacked by the club’s new no-nonsense owners in a wonderfully written statement: https://www.safc.com/news/club-news/2018/september/club-statement-papy-djilobodji. Now he’s back to living his best life, presumably soaking up the sun and partying to his heart’s desires again.
Joleon Lescott – Retired
Arriving in January, Lescott made just 2 appearances for Sunderland. Fans expected nothing, yet were still disappointed, as Lescott’s legs were completely shot to pieces at Villa two years prior and he was never going to meet the standard needed to keep the Black Cats in the league. Upon the expiry of his short-term deal he retired from football.
John O’Shea – Reading
O’Shea moved to Sunderland in 2011 having won everything at Manchester United, and was dropped into a completely different experience at his new club. Despite the completely new surroundings, O’Shea always gave his all for the club and was a worthy captain throughout his tenure. He did want to continue for another year at Sunderland in May, but come the end of the season he was released by the club and is now under a one-year contract at Reading.
Paddy McNair – Middlesbrough
A £5.5 million signing from Manchester United looked quite comfortable in his new side’s back line, but sadly for him, he tore his ACL just a month into his Sunderland career. After 11 months on the recover table he returned with the Mackems struggling in the Championship and received praise for his Championship performances which earned him a move to fellow North East side Boro, where he has made 4 substitute appearances thus far.
Javier Manquillo – Newcastle
Despite playing relatively well under Moyes, Manquillo was dropped from the first team, seemingly due to an appearance clause in his loan contract from Atleti. As a result the Spanish centre back joined arch rivals Newcastle, linking up with fellow Spaniard Rafa Benitez and making 22 league appearances.
Lamine Koné – Loan to Strasbourg
When Allardyce arrived at the Stadium of Light his new side looked doomed, like Leia to Obi Wan, Koné was his only hope. This absolute unit then produced the performances of his career and was the key performer in Sunderland’s survival escapades, catching the eye of many a Premier League side in the process. His head was turned, he wanted to go, but Moyes dragged him back in, something that still cuts Koné deep these days: https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/transfer-news/they-blocked-transfer-lamine-kone-14985086. Now he is on loan in France, with a view towards a permanent move as the club can hardly afford his £45,000 per week wages in League One.
Patrick Van Aanholt – Crystal Palace
PVA was one of the few genuinely dangerous threats in this Sunderland squad, providing a bunch of width and pace in favour of defensive prowess. After 21 games and 3 goals in the season under Moyes, he joined Palace and former boss Sam Allardyce in the winter for a fee rising to £14 million. Since arriving at Sellhurst Park he’s played under 3 different managers, become a more solid roaming full back, and a fantasy football hidden gem.
Midfielders
Lee Cattermole – Sunderland
Cattermole is Mr. Sunderland. In the pub, drinking nails, smashing glasses, throwing headbutts, on the Pub Watch list. He’s somehow only 30 years of age and is performing well for his side in League One. He seems likely to remain in red and white until his retirement, after which he will almost certainly live in the pub shouting tales of his career at uninterested patrons.
Sebastian Larsson – AIK
Larsson seemed to love his time at Sunderland, and the fans seemed to love him back, winning the supporters player of the year in the 14/15 season. The free kick master’s contract expiry date coincided with Sunderland’s relegation, so he spent a season at Hull before finally moving back to his home nation of Sweden after 17 years in the English football system. He also featured in a solid Sweden side at the World Cup, who made the quarter finals before being put to the sword by Harry Maguire’s exceptional bonce.
Jack Rodwell – Blackburn Rovers
When he burst onto the scene in the blue of Everton, Rodwell looked set to be a key player in the Premier League for the foreseeable future; instead he practically stole a living at the Stadium of Light. Rodwell accumulated a winless run of 39 games at Sunderland and ended up having his contract cancelled following the drop to League One, with his last appearance for the club coming in September 2017. He must have a decent agent because he somehow secured trial at Watford, and is now on the books at Blackburn Rovers, where they presumably aren’t paying the £43k per week he was shamelessly pocketing beforehand.
Wahbi Khazri – Saint-Étienne
With Sunderland having to cut costs after dropping out of the top division, Tunisian talisman Khazri was sent out on loan where he enjoyed a fruity campaign with Rennes, helping the club to a fifth place finish. His move to France was made permanent after Tunisia’s World Cup elimination, as Saint-Étienne picked him up for an undisclosed fee.
Duncan Watmore – Sunderland
Another player in this squad who seemed destined football stardom. In 2015 he was the Under-21 Premier League player of the season and looked lively after breaking into the first team. Unfortunately, he suffered a cruciate knee injury in December 2016 and hasn’t managed consistent game time since.
Didier Ndong – Free Agent
Your second main event contract saga here. Ndong was signed for a club record fee at the start of the relegation season but was unable to show the quality that many fans expected him to bring in the centre of the park. After a disastrous loan at Watford (he only made the matchday squad thrice) he went AWOL, presumably on the beers with Papy Djilobodji, and Sunderland sacked him for breaching his contract. Sunderland were also fuming by the fact that they had agreed a deal with Torino for the shameless midfielder but the move could not be completed due to Ndong’s absence; now they aim to legally chase Ndong and any club he may join for loss of earnings: https://www.theguardian.com/football/2018/sep/11/sunderland-ponder-suing-didier-ndong-papy-djilobodji.
Steven Pienaar – Retired
Did you play for Everton? Are you well and truly past it? If you replied yes to both of these, David Moyes welcomes you to Sunderland with open arms. Pienaar had 17 outings for the club, scoring zero goals, with his contract subsequently not being renewed. He returned home to South Africa and signed a one-year deal with Bidvest Wits, but left after just six months and retired from football in March.
Darron Gibson – Wigan Athletic
Main event number three baby. Gibson was arrested for drink driving in March of this year and immediately suspended by Sunderland, with his release from the club being confirmed two weeks later. Not ideal behaviour from a senior player in the middle of a relegation scrap. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back after the midfielder somehow survived being filmed on a drunken ramble, stating: “We’re fucking shit. Of course I am bothered. I don’t want to be shit. There are too many people are the club who don’t give a fuck.” Wigan manager Paul Cook opted to take a short-term punt on Gibson, but with his history of alcohol abuse he clearly needs off-field assistance if he’s to be an effective player for any squad.
Jan Kirchoff – Free Agent
After arriving on an 18-month tenure, Kirchoff played an immense part in helping the Mackems initially survive. His issue was never on the pitch though, and was instead was in the trainer’s room; the midfielder has an immense list of career injuries (he missed 34 games for Sunderland) and sadly his body has given up on him, preventing his potential from ever being reached. He signed a very short-term deal at Bolton Wanderers this winter but has been clubless since June.
Adnan Januzaj – Real Sociedad
Moyes plucked his Manchester United golden goose and rekindled their relationship by bringing the Belgian international to the North East on loan. Again Sunderland, the sappers of potential, stinted a much accredited individual, but to be honest Januzaj suffered more than anyone from media hype. He’s now in Spain enjoying his football and scored an excellent goal against England in Russia.
Forwards
Fabio Borini – AC Milan
Unimpressive but hardworking, Borini was never going to be good enough to score the goals Sunderland desperately needed in order to stay in the Premier League, which was epitomized by Sunderland ending the season which a measly 29 goals. Since the relegation Borini has been sold to Gattuso’s AC Milan, where he has channelled his former captain’s spirit to become the Italian John O’Shea, playing in all positions for Milan apart from goalkeeper, centre back, and stunningly, striker.
Jermain Defoe – AFC Bournemouth
With 15 league goals, Jermain Defoe scored over half of his side’s entire haul under David Moyes, and had they not rejected West Ham’s £6 million winter window bid, the side would have been relegated far earlier. His goals earned him a switch to former club Bournemouth, where he has most notably scored a Van Basten style banger against Crystal Palace, and honed his punditry skills on Sky Sports.
Victor Anichebe – Free Agent
Big Vic was really hitting his stride for Sunderland in late 2016 and was forging a nice ‘little and large’ partnership with Jermain Defoe. Injury struck in January though, forcing him to miss nine games and preventing him from producing the goods once more. Anichebe is now without a club but beforehand spent a year in China, playing 11 times and scoring twice for Chinese second division side, Beijing Enterprises Group FC. He’s now reported his former side to officials for match-fixing, stating that coaches told him on occasion to not try hard: https://www.skysports.com/football/news/11095/11514498/victor-anichebe-reports-his-club-beijing-enterprises-to-fifa-over-alleged-match-fixing – madness.
So there you have it, just 3 of the players who plied their trade at the Stadium of Light in the Premier League remain at the club, who are finally letting the good times toll under their new owners. The fans deserve it too, they’ve put up with so much garbage over the years and are still packing out their home stadium in the third tier of English football. More power to them.
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Thoughts of Tim 